DO SELF-HELP BOOKS HELP?

Part 12: Self-regard. Do you ever feel worthless?

Part 13: Be more successful. Know yourself

Part 14: Do self-help books work?

Part 15: Do what you love, but know yourself first

Part 16: Self-discovery: Destroying marriage?

Part 17: Self confidence & insecurity in dating

Part 18: Self-esteem comes with self-knowledge and self-love

Part 19: Time to see a therapist?

Part 20: Settling for the wrong lover?

Part 21: Love yourself first

Part 22: Writing helps self-knowledge

Part 23: Self-esteem: Do you worry?

Part 24: Self-esteem, 2 components

Up next:

Part 25: Observing self

Frank Daley
daleyfrank0@gmail.com
647-205-5059
356 Westridge Drive , Waterloo, Ontario, Canada

SELF-CONFIDENCE. Is being insecure an advantage in dating?

February 28, 2015 by daleyfrank0

IS BEING INSECURE AN ADVANTAGE IN

DATING?

Maybe, says recent research.

This is Part 17 in the series of articles about the “self.”

However, many aren’t buying the study’s results.

Are you more likely to get dates if you are self-confident or insecure?

This seems like a no-brainer, right?

Conventional wisdom says self-confidence is a key in dating (as in much else in life).

But a new study suggests being “almost obsessively insecure” works as well or better.

The whole idea of the self as an arbiter in human relationships is complex.

This study and the reaction to it is an example of how people feel about it.

NEW STUDY ENCOURAGES THE INSECURE

Claudia Brumbaugh, a psychology professor at Queens College, in New York, wanted to know how insecure people attracted others in dating so she conducted a study that found that insecure folks have some advantages. Paul Kix wrote about it in New York Magazine (Dec. 2010).

We know how self-confident people attract others. They are open, out-going, and convivial while insecure daters are generally the opposite.

However, the researcher says that the insecure also have “numerous dating tactics and positive qualities that they display to win over romantic partners.”

(Ed Note. Especially if you look like this.)

Her sample was single university students, who reported on how confident they felt in life. The students watched videos that showed attractive men or women supposedly looking for a date. In interaction between the subjects and the good-looking actors in the videos, the good lookers asked the subjects things such as…

“How would you get an attractive person’s attention?
How would you talk to this person?
Do you tend to worry about the relationships you’re in?”

Brumbaugh says that students who had rated themselves as self-confident tended to come off as arrogant while the insecure appeared to be acutely attentive to the other person’s needs. They appear interesting, because they want desperately to seem that way.

Pixmac: Anatols

“Insecure individuals [present] themselves as warm, engaging, and humorous,” Brumbaugh writes in the paper, published in the journal, Personal Relationships.

Insecure people are hyper aware and up to speed on new clothes and music so they’ll have something to talk about, she says. They know how they’re perceived, so they hide their undesirable traits by focussing on the trendy topics they study so hard in order to compensate.

BUT IT DOESN’T LAST

But it doesn’t last. Insecure daters betray themselves through jealousy and poor communications, she says. (True)

AND MANY DON’T BUY IT!

Readers of the study as reported in the Kix article were not impressed, saying it confused self-confidence with arrogance, repeated old information, and suggested insecure people communicated in certain helpful or positive ways “often” when they hardly ever communicate at all. (“Insecure people have a hard time saying hi, or communicating in general, so they don’t communicate often” observed one commentator.)

HERE’S WHY

Here are some of the observations. (My comments are in brackets and the end of each.)

It is the same as what college boys say, “Fat girls try harder.” (Crude, but true.)

“Insecure people prefer other insecure people, just as most people end up with someone roughly as attractive as they are.” (True)

“Polling college students, who are going through an age specific development phase that involves lots of insecure feelings & self-exploration… (isn’t representative)… (W)omen I know get turned on by some aspect of a man’s confidence, whether it’s sexual, intellectual or something else. Also, most of us have learned to adapt somehow to compensate for various shortcomings in order to attract (others).” (True. True, True and True!)

Another writer dismissed the study saying:

“There seems to be a fundamental misunderstanding here about the difference between secure self-confidence and arrogance. Self-confidence is about being who you are, not telling people who you are. A self-confident person feels he can afford to be interested in others, their concerns, accomplishments and needs. This study is the kind of thing that makes people think poorly of psychology as a science.” (Ouch!)

Another said “Do you tend to worry about the relationships you’re in?” (a question asked of the subjects) is not a pure measure of insecurity; it’s imbued with a capacity for self-reflection. This “study” (like most social psychology research) is a mess. Self-report is a horrible way to research something like insecurity.” (True, if that’s the only variable.)

“The investigator is not differentiating between conscious and unconscious insecurity. It’s the latter that makes us insufferable — whereas the former can make us charming. (True)

“The problem is not insecurity — it’s cluelessness — but the researcher has ignored that (although, sadly, revealed her own).” (True and I’m not sure!)

Someone who calls herself (himself?) Psychohistorian wrote:

“This is the dumbest and least scientific thing I’ve read…. It shows that insecure people behave insecurely, and that dominant people behave dominantly, and then speculates that people might prefer the former, despite …overwhelming evidence to the contrary” (True and true)

While Buddahbless wrote:

Wow. This study seems really subjective and odd. It sounds to me like the so-called confident are assholes, and the ‘insecure’ are actually more interesting, nice people.

Unfortunately, True.
Hare Wave wrote”

I think this study is confusing intelligence with insecurity. Most overly confident people are that way because their ignorance lulls them into a false sense of security. Anyone with a brain realizes that they have strengths and weaknesses and can be insecure about some aspects of themselves while confident about others. This study wants to throw people into one category or the other but most people…are far more complex than these overly simplified concepts.

True.

SOME OTHER THOUGHTS

WOW!! Fascinating stuff! Here are some other thoughts (mine).

Some people prey on the insecure. They are easily spotted and others can take advantage.
Some insecure people think anybody who is confident is arrogant. Their very insecurity makes them suspicious of self-assured people.
Men are often attracted to women who appear insecure because it makes them feel helpful and manly.
Pixmac: BDS
It also gives them a better shot at “getting a girl” especially if they themselves are insecure. (And ladies, yes, a lot of men are insecure!)

It’s one thing to study and report on human behaviour accurately—we all want to know more about how we behave so we can either fix a flaw or improve our performance but if the study is flawed or is perceived as being flawed the results don’t help us much.

At the very least studies such as this one are not clear enoough are thus unconvincing.

WHAT’S YOUR TAKE ON IT?

It’s a complex topic. I’d love to hear what you think.

Comment below!

For more information on the self, please just sign in to my mailing list above.

IF YOU Are not a subscriber, you can begin by getting my Ebook

FOUR QUESTIONS TO CHANGE YOUR LIFE!

It’s FREE here and will be on Amazon for around $3.

You can also get a FREE consultation with me on any problem that might be driving you nuts.

If you have a problem with time management, personal goals, choosing a career path, the inability to choose a life partner (maybe you consistently date the wrong people) or any other troublesome area, you can help solve it with self-knowledge and I can teach you how to do that.

For a 20 minute–FREE— introduction, please email me: daleyfrank0@gmail.com or call me: 647-205-5059

I’ll be with you.

-Frank

Part 1: Do you find yourself or create it? And why bother anyway?

Part 2: Searching for yourself? Flying blind? Need a new search party?

Part 12: Self-regard. Do you ever feel worthless?

Part 13: Be more successful. Know yourself

Part 14: Do self-help books work?

Part 15: Do what you love, but know yourself first

Part 16: Self-discovery: Destroying marriage?

Part 17: Self confidence & insecurity in dating

Up next:

Part 18: Self-esteem comes with self-knowledge and self-love

Frank Daley
daleyfrank0@gmail.com
647-205-5059
356 Westridge Drive , Waterloo, Ontario, Canada

Do self-help books help?

February 21, 2015 by daleyfrank0

DO SELF-HELP BOOKS HELP?

This is Part 14 in a series of articles about the “self.”

Or are these books a scam to fool people?

It’s a multi-billion dollar business and the sales are increasing.

ANSWERS TO SOME PROBLEMS?

We look to self-help books for answers to our problems.

Thousands of titles exist on a broad range of topics. Weight loss, diet, personal relationships, dating, loss, grief and finding love are some of the big topics.

IT’S AN OLD GENRE!

Self-help advice dates back to the writings of the ancient Greeks.

Around 600 B.C., the first of the Greek sages, Thales of Miletus, made the observation that the most difficult thing in the world was “To Know Thyself.”

Difficult, yes; a life-long project yes; but rewarding, exhilarating and fun!

Also, about the most important thing you can do as a human.

The British newspaper, The Guardian, credits the emergence of self-help literature 155 years ago to Scottish author Samuel Smiles, who sold 20,000 copies of his self-help book in 1859.

Do you remember hearing of the phrase,”Day by day, in every way, I’m getting better and better?”

The idea was you were supposed to repeat this to yourself 20 times a day or more.

That was coined by the French psychologist, Émile Coué in 1920.

Optimistic auto-suggestions they were called and they have morphed (but not much) into affirmations today and some people live by them.

This concept lot positive thinking has increased into an aspect of positive psychology and is a common theme of self-help authors.

I AM A SELF-HELP AUTHOR

I am such an author, by default, and although I’m not big on endless affirmations, I do know that positive self-talk is a helluva lot superior to negative self-talk!

The Great Depression (1929-1941) was a time of economic and social crisis.

It was in those dark times that Norman Vincent Peale brought his “power of positive thinking” to the public, initially through his radio broadcasts during the depression of 1929-1941.

Dale Carnegie introduced his book and seminars. “How to Win Friends and Influence People.” in 1936.

I saw a TV interview tithe self-help author and a critic who pooh-poohed the whole genre and suggested authors were basically fooling people.

The man being interviewed was one of the authors of the Chicken Soup for the Soul series, Mark Victor Hansen.

His reply was accurate I believe.

He said that if a person bought a $30 book and they got even one little thing that improved their lives out of it, then the book and the purchase was worth it.

That makes sense to me.

MY BOOK

My own book is called: Who Are You and What Are You Doing Here? The way to know yourself and get what you want.

It will be available here soon as well as its companion workbook (one for the general reader and one for at-risk students.)

It will also be available on Amazon. No price or date yet.

For now, you can get a core chapter of the book as a gift.

It’s an ebook called: FOUR QUESTIONS TO CHANGE YOUR LIFE!

It’s FREE on this site just for registering (also free) with us at Self-knowledge College.

It will be on Amazon soon for around $3.
You can also get a free consultation with me on any problem that might be driving you nuts.
If you have a problem with time management, personal goals, choosing a career path, the inability to choose a life partner (maybe you consistently date the wrong people) or any other troublesome area, you can help solve it with self-knowledge and I can teach you how to do that.
For a 20 minute–FREE— introduction, please email me: daleyfrank0@gmail.com or call me: 647-205-5059
I’ll be with you.
-Frank
Previous posts:

Part 1: Do you find yourself or create it? And why bother anyway?

Part 2: Searching for yourself? Flying blind? Need a new search party?

Part 12: Self-regard. Do you ever feel worthless?

Part 13: Be more successful. Know yourself

Next up:

Part 15: Do what you love, but know yourself first

Frank Daley
daleyfrank0@gmail.com
647-205-5059
356 Westridge Drive , Waterloo, Ontario, Canada

Problem-solving and the Self

February 14, 2015 by daleyfrank0

Know yourself and solve problems better.

This is Part 11 in a series of articles about the “self.”

We all run into problems with others and the answer often is, “Talk it out.”

Good advice, but it ain’t easy.

Before you can get to problem-solving BETWEEN YOU AND SOMEONE ELSE you have to listen with compassion and understanding.

Athena Staik, writing on Psych Central offers 5 prerequisites for getting into the problem-solving phase with your mate but the piece can be used for friends or coworkers too.

“The biggest obstacles in couple communications…often have to do with unlocking the heart and imagination of each partner to want to hear or listen to what the other says.” she says.

She writes of “healing yourself” of whatever is preventing you from seeing the other person’s point of view.

That’s for extreme situations; for most of us, the conditions don’t require healing!

It’s another way of saying, “know yourself” so you realize when you are contributing to the lack of communication that sometimes is the cause of the inability to solve a problem or even to address it properly between people.

Before you can solve a problem, you have to identify it.

Here’s a short take on how to do that.

What’s Your Problem?: Having Trouble Identifying it? REFRAME IT AND SOLVE IT

Read Athena Staik’s piece HERE
When you know yourself better you can solve problems better.
More easily, faster and without (as much!) stress.
If you are enjoying these articles on the Self and IF YOU are not a subscriber, you can begin by getting my ebook: FOUR QUESTIONS TO CHANGE YOUR LIFE!
It’s FREE here and will be on Amazon soon for around $3.
You can also get a FREE consultation with me on any problem that might be driving you nuts.
If you have a problem with time management, personal goals, choosing a career path, the inability to choose a life partner (maybe you consistently date the wrong people) or any other troublesome area, you can help solve it with self-knowledge and I can teach you how to do that.
For a 20 minute–FREE— introduction, please email me: daleyfrank0@gmail.com or call me: 905-584-0617
I’ll be with you.
-Frank
Previous posts:

Part 1: Do you find yourself or create it? And why bother anyway?

Part 2: Searching for yourself? Flying blind? Need a new search party?

Part 12: Self-regard. Do you ever feel worthless?

Up next:

Frank Daley
daleyfrank0@gmail.com
647-205-5059
356 Westridge Drive , Waterloo, Ontario, Canada

SELF SINKS SOON! SAVE YOURSELF!

February 12, 2015 by daleyfrank0

SELF SINKS SOON! SAVE YOURSELF! YOU HAVE POTENCY,

SO ACT!

This is Part 10 in a series of articles about the “self.”

YOU HAVE POTENCY. ARE YOU GOING TO ACT?

Do you remember in the “olden days” of the internet when someone messaged you, the computer “Dinged” and said cheerfully, “You’ve got MAIL!!”?
Well, you’ve got POTENCY! Won’t do you any good unless you ACT on it.
Every child has the potential to become the best parts of herself that exist in her essential nature.
More philosophy, here folks, but don’t panic!
Let us just briefly look at the implications of POTENCY and ACT in everyday terms and situations.
The terms “potency” and “act” come originally from Aristotle and were advanced by St Thomas Aquinas.

ARISTOTLE

The discussion on the subject continues to this day because it is an essential of life. It’s too damn important to lie in some dusty philosophy book.

All a child’s inherent, gifts, talents and attributes have the potential, the potency, the possibility, of reaching their full flowering. This rarely happens in real life.
The luckiest of us manage to achieve SOME of our potential.
Usually, that happens only if we have good childhoods. That means good parenting, which obviously means good parents.
And THAT means having parents who are not children themselves–not in the sense of their ages but in their growth and development.
We all know people who are terrible parents. They should never have had children. They act like children themselves.
Those kinds of parents are not mature “grown-ups.” They are not capable of being good parents. You CAN achieve a lot in life without good parenting but it ain’t easy!

OTHER THINGS CONSPIRE AGAINST US TOO!

We use only a fraction of our brainpower. We lose concentration and focus. We get distracted. We get tired.
We make poor choices often and diminish or quash what might have made us better. One way or another we fail to find our true selves and reach our potential. Whether we are successful or not depends upon a host of factors that we can get into later.
However, one of the reasons we don’t achieve greatness is because even if we discover our unique gifts, we don’t ACT on them.
Next, we’ll look at WHY many of us don’t reach our full potential–or anything near it. Why we don’t discover our natural gifts, talents and abilities.
You don’t have to succumb to this nonsense.
I don’t care what your education is.

THOMAS AQUINAS

I don’t care what your work is.
I don’t care how old you are.
If you act on your potency, you can thrive.
Find your talents. Don’t let them wither.
ACT!
Search for your self.
I’ll be with you. Email me : frankdaley@rogers.com
In a hurry!? Call: 905-584-0617–iu
It’s free (well, you have to pay the telephone charges from Mayas or wherever! But the discussion is free!)
-Frank
Previous Posts:

Part 1: Do you find yourself or create it? And why bother anyway?

Part 2: Searching for yourself? Flying blind? Need a new search party?

Up Next:

Part 1: Do you find yourself or create it? And why bother anyway?

Frank Daley
daleyfrank0@gmail.com
647-205-5059
356 Westridge Drive , Waterloo, Ontario, Canada

Whatever you do, don’t be yourself!

February 10, 2015 by daleyfrank0

Don’t be yourself, whatever you do.

This is Part 9 in a series of articles about the “Self.”

Some years ago, I saw a funny New Yorker cartoon. A middle aged-couple is standing in front of the door to a house. They have arrived at a friend’s house for dinner. He is about to knock and the wife says to her husband,

“Whatever you do, please don’t be yourself tonight.”

OOOPS!

Well, she knows him, I guess, as married people do.

Maybe he knows himself too but it isn’t likely.

DO YOU KNOW YOURSELF?

When we know ourselves better, we find out things we don’t always like.

That’s OK, none of us is perfect. (And the couple in the cartoon is still married!)

Mostly, however, we learn things that we do like. We also discover things that we suspected about ourselves but never verified.

That’s why so many people take up new things in mid-life (art, music, or leaving a corporate job to start a small business).

We wonder how it is that we didn’t know those things about ourselves when we were younger. After all, we all know many things about ourselves.

You know, for example, what kind of food you prefer, what kind of books, movies, plays or games you like. You’ve known for decades if you are a morning person or a night owl. That stuff is easy. You learned that by repetition, habit, and observation.

But there’s lots we don’t know.

How could we have missed truly important things about ourselves that perhaps our spouse or mate knows, or our family or friends know, but we do not?

We didn’t pay enough attention to them when we were younger, perhaps. Or, we kind of remember that we were interested in certain things but we dismissed them as not important. Or, we didn’t even know about them so that we could pay attention to them.

Maybe nobody recognized some of our talents and gifts when we were children so they were never developed. Life is complicated. You probably have talents never recognized let alone nurtured.

DISSATISFIED?

If you are feeling dissatisfied with important areas of your life such as work, or personal or family relationships or even your most significant partner relationship, then it’s time to figure out what the hell is going wrong. Part of the reason you are in the wrong place or the wrong job or with the wrong person is because you don’t know the real You yet. Not well enough anyway.

It’s time to find out. I’m designing a course to help you do it.

In the meantime, I’m publishing a this series It will be based on my book

WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? The way to know yourself and get what you want.

You will be able to get that book here soon.

You can come at your Self many ways. How you use time and why you procrastinate are intimately connected with your Self.

I used to think procrastination was a function of time faulty time management. Not exactly.

It’s true that time management is connected to procrastination but on a deeper level it is about the self. If you know yourself well you can easily reduce procrastination and all its horrible consequences.

Time, procrastination, the Self, goals, values…these things are all cemented together. They are like layers of paint; it’s difficult to separate them but it can be be done.

We’ll give it our best shot. Let me know if either time or procrastination is a problem for you.

For more information about yourself, sign up for my free page eBook,

FOUR QUESTIONS TO CHANGE YOUR LIFE!

You get it FREE here for subscribing and it will be available soon on Amazon for a small fee.

FREE STRATEGY SESSION ABOUT YOU.

You can also get a free consultation with me now on any problem that might be driving you nuts.
If you have a problem with time management, personal goals, choosing a career path, the inability to choose a life partner (maybe you consistently date the wrong people) or any other troublesome area, you can help solve it with self-knowledge and I can teach you how to do that.
For a 20 minute–FREE— introduction, please email me: frankdaley@ rogers.com or call me: 905-584-0617
I’ll be with you.
-Frank

Previous Posts:

Part 2: Searching for yourself? Flying blind? Need a new search party?

Up next:

http://www.sarahslean.com

Frank Daley
daleyfrank0@gmail.com
647-205-5059
356 Westridge Drive , Waterloo, Ontario, Canada

Singer Sarah Slean knows who she is.

February 6, 2015 by daleyfrank0

SARAH SLEAN–THE SINGER KNOWS WHO SHE IS AND WHAT SHE WANTS

This is Part 8 in a series of articles about the “Self.”

Sarah Slean is a Canadian songwriter/singer who knows who she is and what she wants.

She wants to continue to compose songs, sing them and study everything in the world for the rest of her life.

She is a beautiful, talented and unusual composer and performer who found herself at sea about some years ago regarding what she was doing with her career.

Slean was interviewed by Ben Kaplan of the National Post

The singer said had an existential crisis and asked herself if what she was doing was not “pure vanity.”

She said she stashed her stuff, “…rented a truck, put my grand piano in the back and went into the forest and lived there for four months in the spirit of ‘I’m waiting for direction because I give up on everything.'”

It was in 2005 and the singer had been told many things about how to run her career by many people and I guess it got confusing so she quit for a while to paint, read books and write music.

When Slean emerged, she told Kaplan:

“Everything in my life took an upward swing–I fell in love…I graduated university, I mended fences.

I felt such peace…Finally I know what I want to do.”

She’s nearly 40 now and her mini-crisis is over.
We all have these crises and they don’t have to occur in mid-life (which, by the way, some authorities are saying is anywhere around the mid-thirties!)

Our first job in life is to know who we are and find out what it is we want from life.

If we don’t ever do that…and many people never do it… we wind up with an unexamained life.

THE UNEXAMINED LIFE

“The unexamined life is not worth living,” said Socrates and it’s true.

Slean is like many Canadian performers who are not in the mega-star category (unlike say, Diana Krall, Celine Dion, or k.d. Lang).

In terms of public awareness she’s more like Emilie Claire Barlow, Patricia O’Callaghan or Jill Barker excellent performers who have their own dedicated audiences.

She is classically trained musician and that’s plainly seen on her website videos (http://www.sarahslean.com).

But she has a pop quality too: different, mature, funny and engaging.

Slean has a new double CD set called Land and Sea. A great song from it is Attention Archers. There are several versions of it on YouTube.

Some of the music on her site on on her CDs might strike you as unusual but that’s the idea-Try several–you’ll like them!

If you are searching for the real you, as Sarah Slean was, sign up to my email list and get my free Ebook,

FOUR QUESTIONS TO CHANGE YOUR LIFE!

We all have to change things in ourselves occasionally (some people would say constantly!).

If you feel it’s time for a change in some way, please accept my invitation.

The book is FREE here and will be on Amazon for around $3.

You can also get a FREE consultation with me on any problem that might be troubling you.

For a 20 minute–FREE— introduction, please email me: frankdaley@rogers.com or call me: 905-584-0617

I’ll be with you.

I’m with you.

-Frank

Previous Post:

Part 1: Do you find yourself or create it? And why bother anyway?

Part 2: Searching for yourself? Flying blind? Need a new search party?

Up next:

Part 1: Do you find yourself or create it? And why bother anyway?

Frank Daley
daleyfrank0@gmail.com
647-205-5059
356 Westridge Drive , Waterloo, Ontario, Canada

Are you "selfish" in the family? Or preserving your sanity.

February 4, 2015 by daleyfrank0

Are you selfish in the family? Or trying to preserve your sanity?

This is Part 7 in a series of articles about the “Self.”

This as one in a continuing series of articles about the Self. If you would like to read more on the Self, please see the links to other posts below.

Last time we tried to define selfishness.

Today we’ll look at what some people say is selfishness is actually good for a family.

Faye Weldon, a British author wrote:

“Young women, especially have something invested in being nice people,and it’s only when you have children that you realize you’re not a nice person at all, but generally a selfish bully.”

Ooops!
I’m sure many women might agree with that (many men too!) but more would not.

(Somewhat off the point, but for your amusement, I have to report that Ms. Weldon, when a copywriter, once wrote, “Vodka gets you drunker quicker.”
She said in a Guardian interview,
“It just seemed … to be obvious that people who wanted to get drunk fast, needed to know this.”
Which I thought was pretty funny.
Her editors didn’t use the comment.
Her husband, Ron Weldon, left her for his astrological therapist, who had told him that the couple’s astrological signs were incompatible.
Apparently, they were both a little off the wall.)

In any case, she is supported in her opinion, by many people.
The French actress, Emmanuelle Beart, echoing a lot of women, said:

“I just decided that I would not put my professional life on hold to raise children. I know that sounds selfish to a lot of people and I don’t know if what I’m doing is the right thing. But that’s the way I’m doing it.”

Indicating a real problem many people have in the tug-of-war between themselves and their children.
This is true of artists–who predictably–are more forthcoming about solutions for the problem.

Mikhail Baryshnikov said:

“People of art should never get married and have children, because it’s a selfish experience.”
Greg LeMond, a race track driver, said,

“Racing is a very selfish, self-centred, self-glorifying thing. My wife’s life for 14 years was centered around me. It was all about me. It was all for my ego.”

Parents often have this problem.

How they deal with it varies, of course, but all must wrestle with the implications, for their lives, and for their children’s lives.

On the biggest level, it has enormous impact on families: whether they break up, stay together “for the sake of the children,” or work it out in compromise and love and stay together knowing that some of what they wanted in life will never be achieved.

Other things,however, might satisfactorily replace them.
Think of all the well-educated immigrants who move to countries so their children can have a better life. They work menial jobs to give their kids a chance.
In some cases, what people thought they wanted, isn’t what they wanted at all.
But it keeps people up in the middle of the night.
Nobody said it was easy.

I’m with you in this complicated subject of YOU, Your SELF. You are worth the time, aren’t you.

Spend a little time with yourself.

If you are not a member, join us. Just put your John or Joanna Henry in the box above and I’ll start sending you good things

You can begin by getting my eBook,

FOUR QUESTIONS TO CHANGE YOUR LIFE!

It’s FREE here and will be on Amazon soon for around $3.

For a 20 minute–FREE— introduction, please email me: frankdaley@ rogers.com or call me: 905-584-0617

I’ll be with you.

Frank

Previous Posts:

Part 2: Searching for yourself? Flying blind? Need a new search party?

Up next:

Part 1: Do you find yourself or create it? And why bother anyway?

Frank Daley
daleyfrank0@gmail.com
647-205-5059
356 Westridge Drive , Waterloo, Ontario, Canada

Selfishness. Always wrong? Or can it be a form of self-preservation?

February 2, 2015 by daleyfrank0

Is selfishness always wrong or can it be a form of self-preservation?

This is Part 6 in a series of articles about the “Self.”

Are there good kinds of selfishness?

Does it depend on our definition of selfishness?

(This is No. 6 in a continuing series of articles about the Self. If you would like to read more on the Self, please see the links to other posts below).

Before we come to any conclusions regarding conventional wisdom, let’s look at the Oxford definition.

SELFISH DEFINED

“Concerned chiefly with one’s own personal profit or pleasure at the expense of consideration for others.”

That’s a pretty well accepted definition, isn’t it?

We think of being selfish as somewhat mean-spirited but “mean-spirited” implies that someone actually thought about NOT being selfish and acted that way anyway.

Maybe the person was just thoughtless.

But thoughtlessness, although connected to selfishness, ISN”T always selfishness, except in its mildest form.

So let’s not go there.

Instead, let’s focus on the two key words/phrases:

“personal profit” and “pleasure.”

Then let’s eliminate the most obvious cases of these kinds of selfishness: personal profit for money and pleasure of the senses.

Those are too easy.

REAL LIFE

Let’s apply the definition to a common situation.

Two children are born, both talented, smart.

Dad dies. Mom gets sick.

One child gives up a promising career to care for her mother.

The other child leaves home and spends her life in her own way.

Let’s admit that the person who left did so because she was concerned with profit (of various kinds, not necessarily financial).

The word “profit” would not occur to her in this context, much less motivate her) but we’re going with the definition.

She would profit in many ways perhaps–financially, socially, career-wise, etc.

She WOULD get more pleasure because she wouldn’t be tied down and (not quite the same thing, but actually a grade above being tied down) she would be free to pursue her own interests.

So, according to the definition, the one who left is selfish.

BUT!

Let’s say that the woman who left did so because she felt she would ruin her life by staying home and wasting her talent …talent that her mother wanted her to develop.

Let’s say she felt that, though she loved her mother, she would fulfill her destiny by NOT sacrificing her life to care for her mom.

Let’s say she would not want her own child to do that either.

We might have to broaden the meaning of the words “profit” and pleasure” in our definition in order not to be too harsh.

(Maybe.)

Because the woman who left (let’s assume) was following her gifts, talents and abilities.

If she doesn’t do that she will be unhappy every day for the rest of her life. (At least that’s what she truly believes.)

She acts upon that.

She loves her self more than her mother?

The woman who stays, acts upon her duty to care for her mother, putting aside her talents, (let’s say–in the extreme case) and devoting herself to her mother.

She loves her mother more than herself?

“No greater love than a woman) lay down her life…”

Yet is she dooming herself to a life of resentment and unhappiness at not being able to grow her gifts and abilities?

Will the one who left be unhappily wracked with guilt?

We don’t know.

But maybe the one who stayed finds enormous love and peace in her role and doesn’t miss worldly success.

And maybe the one who left, fights guilt but generally finds that she made the right decision for herself.

And what of the relationship between the sisters?

We don’t know.

The thing is we all have to make decisions about what we choose to do in life, what action we take in critical situations or circumstances.

We know that whatever we learn about the self, it will always relate in some way to love.

We’ll continue next time. If you like this piece, send it to a friend.

If you are thinking about your position in life, if you feel that a perhaps you are not become ing the person you know you should be, or could be, come and join me at Self-Knowledge College.

IF YOU Are not a subscriber, you can begin by getting my eBook,

FOUR QUESTIONS TO CHANGE YOUR LIFE!

It’s FREE here and will be on Amazon soon for around $3.

You can also get a FREE consultation with me on any problem that might be driving you nuts.

For a 20 minute–FREE— introduction, please email me: daleyfrank0@gmail.com or call me: 905-584-0617

There is no obligation whatsoever.

But if you think you need some clarity with regard to where you’re going in life, I can help.

If you could do this on your own you would have done it by now.

I’m with you.

Frank

Previous Posts:

Part 2: Searching for yourself? Flying blind? Need a new search party?

Up next: Part 7:

Part 1: Do you find yourself or create it? And why bother anyway?

Frank Daley
daleyfrank0@gmail.com
647-205-5059
356 Westridge Drive , Waterloo, Ontario, Canada

"Selfish" vs. "Selfless" In Women.

January 26, 2015 by daleyfrank0

“SELFISH” VS. “SELFLESS” (in women)

This is Part 5 in a series of articles about the “Self.”

We’re talking about the self here.

(This is one in a continuing series of articles about the Self. If you would like to read more on the Self, please see the links to other posts below).

We introduce the concepts of Selfish and selfless.
They are not the same thing, (almost) needless to say.

We have to figure out who we are and what we want in life.

SELF

A person has to spend time on his or her SELF.

We can’t spend ALL of our time on ourselves.

We have to take others into our consideration, into our purview of what belongs to our selves.

Of course, that’s right.

What happens when we seem to be spending all or most of our time and efforts on others?

SELFLESS vs SELFISH

If we’re not being selfish, but selfless?

This can be a problem with ignorant people who think that you are selfish if you spend ANY time on yourself–especially when you have responsibility for others.

THE SELF AND WOMEN

Women, after they are married, are often known as wives, mothers, homemakers (if they are doing that) and providers.

Often, they become selfless.

Not that they abandon their “selves” but much of the time they are caring for others and being selfless.

Selfhood is gradually weaned away form them.

They often get the sense that they have lost them-Selves in this work.

They feel the world looks at them in only those roles in which they serve others.

This gets to become more acute when women pass a certain age, when, aside from the roles I’ve mentioned, women feel they are non-persons in any other sense.

Society comes to think of them only in these serving roles.

Men no longer look at them as attractive.
Scratch that: they no longer look at them at all.
Not worth a swiveled head of admiration.
Or seen as anything except in those other roles.
Which is to say, often, as nothing at all.
A man too, although it is not recognized or discussed much, can be considered (or at least consider himself) to be a husband, worker, and father.
And not much else.

Gone are other kinds of self-identifiers for many people.

Gone is any realization that we all serve each other, that service is a high calling.

That rising children may be the highest calling

IT’S AN INFANTILE AND REGRESSIVE NOTION OF SELFHOOD

Part of what used to be considered part of the self, seems to have disappeared.

Thinking about your self in this way, thinking, as a woman, that there is something missing in both your and other people’s evaluation of you, is not wrong.

People are wrong for thinking of women this way.

But it is discouraging.

THINKING OF YOURSELF AS A PERSON WHO HAS NEEDS AND WANTS IS NOT ONLY RIGHT, BUT NECESSARY

It is being self-ish only in the sense that what we are doing is related to the self.

It is selfless.

If we don’t figure this out (and maybe beating ourselves up about it or denigrating ourselves–again, chiefly women– and come to terms with it, we won’t have a grown-up self.

First, we need to care for ourselves better and then we need to disregard what other people think of us with regard to our selves.

We need to be grown-ups.

And heaven knows in this world, we need to be grown-ups.

Tell your significant other she is beautiful.

She is.

(Tell him too if it applies!)

We’re talking a a lot about the self here, especially with respect to self-knowledge.

If you would like to know more about what really makes you tick, join us.

IF YOU Are not a subscriber, you can begin by getting my eBook

FOUR QUESTIONS TO CHANGE YOUR LIFE!

IT’S FREE!

DOWNLOAD NOW! You’ll pay on book sites!

For a 20 minute–FREE— introduction, please email me: frankdaley@rogers.com or call me: 905-584-0617

I’m with you.

Frank

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