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The Daley Post

THE WAY TO SUCCESS IN YOUR PERSONAL, ACADEMIC AND PROFESSIONAL LIFE.

Self-harm. Young people on video. Who Does it and why?

by

SELF-HARM: SCOPE OF THE PROBLEM  
This is part of our series on the self.

Between 14-24% of teenagers and young adults harm themselves by cutting, burning, hair-pulling and stabbing things under their skin.

They do this in an effort to demonstrate to a seemingly uncaring world that they are suffering inside.

A study was published on Feb. 21st 2011 in the Journal, Pediatrics, on the topic of self-abusers and their habit of watching You-Tube videos on the practice.

The lead author of the study is Stephen Lewis, assistant professor of psychology at the University of Guelph in southern Ontario.

His team found that an alarming percentage of young people injure themselves deliberately and that many of these people watch self-harm videos on You Tube. There, either they find comfort in knowing they are not alone in their self-abusive practice or they learn how to do it.

It happens a lot at colleges and universities.
You’d think that all these kids would be happy: studying, partying, getting a huge opportunity that most people in the world don’t get—to better themselves with education–so they can have meaningful jobs and lives.

Think again.

 Even such well-respected and excellent universities such as Cornell and Princeton have done studies that alarmed the administration because they found that one in five students was a self-harmer. The study was repeated throughout the United States. Students in Canadian colleges suffer the same kinds of injuries.

THE COLLEGE PROBLEM

Colleges and universities have a tripartite problem with self-abusers.
1. First, they often don’t know about it and really, they’d prefer not to know about it because they feel impotent.

They don’t have the skills, the staff, the expertise, the mandate or the time to deal with problems like this. And, to a degree, you have to sympathize. They are colleges, not hospitals, although you might want to rethink that if you’ve spoken to as many students as I (or other teachers and professors) have.

2. Second, there is the question of personal freedom and privacy. Most colleges would be alarmed if they were aware that their professors knew that their students had personal, psychological, or emotional problems.

Professors are not supposed to discuss these things with students. They are supposed to refer the students to counseling. That’s the right thing, of course, in an ideal world but if you teach English or psychology you are going to get students who open up and tell you about their personal lives.

There is no avoiding it and it is cruel and inhumane to dismiss the students and their problems because you are not officially supposed to know these problems exist.

It’s idiotic.

This is a difficult area to be sure: how to, or whether to, intrude on a person’s privacy. These cases involve self-harm but the same conditions are present in situations where a person might harm others.

There are cases of college/university staffs being aware (perhaps only vaguely or anecdotally) of the mental state of some students but since the students have done nothing wrong or illegal, there is little an institution can do. Then you wind up with an incident such as the killings at the University of Virginia.

3.  Third, most colleges don’t have the money to cope with this stuff.

DO THE VIDEOS TEACH PEOPLE HOW TO DO THIS?

The less imaginative young people might learn how to harm themselves from the videos. Others might get the idea to cut themselves. Some may take comfort in them (sadly) because they see they are not alone in the practice. Some people go to self-abuse chat rooms but the videos are more graphic, and  more immediate in their instructional effect. The researchers are looking at this.

POSITIVE NOTES (FALSE AND REAL)

Some of the young viewers feel (falsely) positive about seeing the videos because they see that they are not alone in their anguish and their expression of it. It offers them some transitory positive feeling.

One good thing might come out of the You Tube videos. It produced the study and it (and others like it) may light the fire of awareness in the general population.

Don’t hold your breath.

These problems come from depression and low self-esteem which is rampant in our youth. Clinical psychologist Claire Crooks says this low self-esteem is often so deep it that it prompts feelings of a desire to be punished in the young people. Why? Several reasons.

LOW SELF-ESTEEM

These kids are so filled with self-doubt, low self-esteem, lack of self-confidence and a feeling of not belonging that they are losing themselves at an age and time when they should be just discovering themselves.

SELF-KNOWLEDGE COLLEGE AND THE SELF

My focus at Self-Knowledge College and here at The Daley Post is on self-knowledge. I maintain that  self-knowledge is the key to personal, academic and professional suc cess. But what if what you think you know about yourself leads you to harm yourself?

On the other hand, Prof. Crooks says,

“Don’t bother asking (a child) why he’s doing it. He likely won’t be able to answer.”

The kind of self-knowledge these young people have is fraudulent. It is a misreading of their true worth and value and an almost total ignorance of their gifts and abilities.

Real self-knowledge will lead the young people to see that they are more valuable than they currently think and feel they are. Getting them to that real self-knowledge is obviously going to be a problem.

For a continuing discussion of the self, self-knowledge, and your place in the world–read The Daley Post.

A  NOTE
IF YOU Are not a subscriber, you can begin to know yourself better but by getting my Ebook
FOUR QUESTIONS TO CHANGE YOUR LIFE!
It’s free by registering here.
You can also get a free consultation with me on any problem that might be driving you nuts.
If you have a problem with time management, personal goals, choosing a career path, the inability to choose a life partner (maybe you consistently date the wrong people) or any other troublesome area, you can help solve it with self-knowledge and I can teach you how to do that.
For a 20 minute– free– introduction, please email me: frankdaley@ rogers.com
or call: 905-584-0617
I’ll be with you.
Frank

SELF-CONFIDENCE. Is being insecure an advantage in dating?

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IS BEING INSECURE AN ADVANTAGE IN

DATING?

 Maybe, says recent research.

This is Part 17 in the series of articles about the “self.”

However, many aren’t buying the study’s results.

Are you more likely to get dates if you are self-confident or insecure?

This seems like a no-brainer, right?

Conventional wisdom says self-confidence is a key in dating (as in much else in life).

But a new study suggests being “almost obsessively insecure” works as well or better.

The whole idea of the self as an arbiter in human relationships is complex.

This study and the reaction to it is an example of how people feel about it.

 NEW STUDY ENCOURAGES THE INSECURE

Claudia Brumbaugh, a psychology professor at Queens College, in New York, wanted to know how insecure people attracted others in dating so she conducted a study that found that insecure folks have some advantages. Paul Kix wrote about it in New York Magazine (Dec. 2010).

We know how self-confident people attract others. They are open, out-going, and convivial while insecure daters are generally the opposite.

However, the researcher says that  the insecure also have “numerous dating tactics and positive qualities that they display to win over romantic partners.”

(Ed Note. Especially if you look like this.)

Her sample was single university students, who reported on how confident they felt in life. The students watched videos that showed attractive men or women supposedly looking for a date. In interaction between the subjects and the good-looking actors in the videos, the good lookers asked the subjects things such as…

  1. “How would you get an attractive person’s attention?
  2. How would you talk to this person? 
  3. Do you tend to worry about the relationships you’re in?”

Brumbaugh says that students who had rated themselves as self-confident tended to come off as arrogant while the insecure appeared to be acutely attentive to the other person’s needs. They appear interesting, because they want desperately to seem that way.

Pixmac: Anatols

“Insecure individuals [present] themselves as warm, engaging, and humorous,” Brumbaugh writes in the paper, published in the journal, Personal Relationships.

Insecure people are hyper aware and up to speed on new clothes and music so they’ll have something to talk about, she says. They know how they’re perceived, so they hide their undesirable traits by focussing on the trendy topics they study so hard in order to compensate.

BUT IT DOESN’T LAST

But it doesn’t last. Insecure daters betray themselves through jealousy and poor communications, she says. (True)
SHY-BLOND-BITES-LIP-PHOTOG-FACE

 AND MANY DON’T BUY IT!

Readers of the study as reported in the Kix article were not impressed, saying it confused self-confidence with arrogance, repeated old information, and suggested insecure people communicated in certain helpful or positive ways “often” when they hardly ever communicate at all. (“Insecure people have a hard time saying hi, or communicating in general, so they don’t communicate often” observed one commentator.)

  HERE’S WHY

Here are some of the observations. (My comments are in brackets and the end of each.)

  • It is the same as what college boys say, “Fat girls try harder.” (Crude, but true.)
  • “Insecure people prefer other insecure people, just as most people end up with someone roughly as attractive as they are.” (True)
  • “Polling college students, who are going through an age specific development phase that involves lots of insecure feelings & self-exploration… (isn’t representative)… (W)omen I know get turned on by some aspect of a man’s confidence, whether it’s sexual, intellectual or something else. Also, most of us have learned to adapt somehow to compensate for various shortcomings in order to attract (others).” (True. True, True and True!)

Another writer dismissed the study saying:

  • “There seems to be a fundamental misunderstanding here about the difference between secure self-confidence and arrogance. Self-confidence is about being who you are, not telling people who you are. A self-confident person feels he can afford to be interested in others, their concerns, accomplishments and needs. This study is the kind of thing that makes people think poorly of psychology as a science.” (Ouch!)
  • Another said “Do you tend to worry about the relationships you’re in?” (a question asked of the subjects) is not a pure measure of insecurity; it’s imbued with a capacity for self-reflection. This “study” (like most social psychology research) is a mess. Self-report is a horrible way to research something like insecurity.” (True, if that’s the only variable.)
  • “The investigator is not differentiating between conscious and unconscious insecurity. It’s the latter that makes us insufferable — whereas the former can make us charming. (True)
  • “The problem is not insecurity — it’s cluelessness — but the researcher has ignored that (although, sadly, revealed her own).” (True and I’m not sure!)

Someone who calls herself (himself?) Psychohistorian wrote:

  • “This is the dumbest and least scientific thing I’ve read…. It shows that insecure people behave insecurely, and that dominant people behave dominantly, and then speculates that people might prefer the former, despite …overwhelming evidence to the contrary” (True and true)

While Buddahbless wrote:

 Wow. This study seems really subjective and odd. It sounds to me like the so-called confident are assholes, and the ‘insecure’ are actually more interesting, nice people.

Unfortunately, True.
Hare Wave wrote”

I think this study is confusing intelligence with insecurity. Most overly confident people are that way because their ignorance lulls them into a false sense of security. Anyone with a brain realizes that they have strengths and weaknesses and can be insecure about some aspects of themselves while confident about others. This study wants to throw people into one category or the other but most people…are far more complex than these overly simplified concepts.

True.

 SOME OTHER THOUGHTS

WOW!! Fascinating stuff! Here are some other thoughts (mine).

  • Some people prey on the insecure. They are easily spotted and others can take advantage.
  • Some insecure people think anybody who is confident is arrogant. Their very insecurity makes them suspicious of self-assured people.
  • Men are often attracted to women who appear insecure because it makes them feel helpful and manly.

    Pixmac: BDS

  • It also gives them a better shot at “getting a girl” especially if they themselves are insecure. (And ladies, yes, a lot of men are insecure!)

It’s one thing to study and report on human behaviour accurately—we all want to know more about how we behave so we can either fix a flaw or improve our performance but if the study is flawed or is perceived as being flawed the results don’t help us much.

At the very least studies such as this one are not clear enoough are thus unconvincing.

WHAT’S YOUR TAKE ON IT?

It’s a complex topic. I’d love to hear what you think.

Comment below!

For more information on the self, please just sign in to my mailing list above.

IF YOU Are not a subscriber, you can begin by getting my Ebook

FOUR QUESTIONS TO CHANGE YOUR LIFE!

It’s FREE here and will be on Amazon for around $3.

You can also get a FREE consultation with me on any problem that might be driving you nuts.

If you have a problem with time management, personal goals, choosing a career path, the inability to choose a life partner (maybe you consistently date the wrong people) or any other troublesome area, you can help solve it with self-knowledge and I can teach you how to do that.

For a 20 minute–FREE— introduction, please email me: daleyfrank0@gmail.com or call me: 647-205-5059

I’ll be with you.

-Frank

Previous posts:

Part 1: Do you find yourself or create it? And why bother anyway? 

Part 2: Searching for yourself? Flying blind? Need a new search party?

Part 3: Be yourself. Everybody else is taken!

Part 4: Self discovery without viagra.

Part 5: Selfish vs Selfless (in women)

Part 6: Selfish. Always wrong?

Part 7: Selfishness, in the family.

Part 8: Singer Sarah Slean knows who she is

Part 9: Whatever you do, don’t be yourself!

Part 10: Self sinks soon. Save yourself!

Part 11: Be yourself, problem-solving

Part 12: Self-regard. Do you ever feel worthless? 

Part 13: Be more successful. Know yourself

Part 14: Do self-help books work?

Part 15: Do what you love, but know yourself first

Part 16: Self-discovery: Destroying marriage?

Part 17: Self confidence & insecurity in dating

Up next:

Part 18: Self-esteem comes with self-knowledge and self-love

 

Frank Daley
daleyfrank0@gmail.com
647-205-5059
356 Westridge Drive , Waterloo, Ontario, Canada

Is ‘self-discovery’ destroying marriage? Not really.

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Any self-discovery going on here?

Any self-discovery going on here?

 ‘Self-discovery.’ Is it destroying marriage?

This is Part 16 in a series of articles about the “self.” (See more below!)

A U.S. psychologist thinks so it is. Ian Semple, writing in Britain’s The Guardian, examines this controversial theory.

“Eli Finkel, director of social  psychology at Northwestern University in Illinois, said couples today looked to their marriages to help them “grow as individuals”, and support them through “voyages of self-discovery.

But their expectations are rarely met, he said, because of the investment of time and effort involved.”

Finkel is quoted as saying:

“In 2014, … your partner cannot do that unless he or she really knows who you are…(and) that requires much greater investment of time and psychological resources,”

THE PROBLEM WITH THE THESIS

The problem with that statement is that it is riddled more with questions than the answers it purports to give.

First, as a general statement about some people it is probably true.

But that desire is not necessarily (or I submit, even usually) a conscious desire.

It is a subconscious yearning, a  dream, an unspoken hope.

Second, it’s a contradiction in terms (and in reality) to have someone else find you.

You have to do that yourself.

Third, the chances of  your spouse knowing you better than you (can) know yourself are slim unless you are totally un-self-aware. Which, of course IS possible!

YOUR PARTNER DOES KNOW YOU BUT NOTHING LIKE the self-discovery you can find.

Oh, s/he he’ll know some things about you that you don’t know  about you but nothing like the bigger picture you can get if you do some rigorous  self-detection.

The fact is that most people don’t self-discover; they are only dimly aware that it might be a good idea to know themselves,

Of course, people can help you do that by encouraging it.

And of course many people ARE aware of the quest to improve themselves, to self-discover.

BUT THOSE POPULAR “SELF-THINGS” ARE SECONDARY TO THE CORE ELEMENTS OF SELF-KNOWLEDGE

Most people unaware of the benefits of the core idea of self-knowledge.

  • Self-improvement, yes.  (I need to be better at “x.”)
  • Self-growth, yes? (I need to be better at more things.)
  • Self-development, yes? (I need to develop myself.)
  • But self-knowledge? As they say these days, “Not so much.”

“Time was (says  Finkel) when a roof over your head, food on the table and occasional bouts of sexual activity were the hallmarks of a successful marriage. Not any more.”

Well, THAT’s true!

Here’s the complete article: Dreams of ‘self-discovery’ destroying marriage, claims psychologist

WANT TO KNOW MORE …

ABOUT THE MOST INTERESTING PERSON IN THE WORLD?

YOU?

If you want to know more about yourself, don’t count on your spouse, count on yourself.

And count on me.

I won’t tell you about yourself. I don’t know you from Adam…but I can teach you how to learn about yourself.

Consider the benefits:

You will

  • self-develop
  • self-grow
  • self-improve (is that a word?)
  • WHY?

Because you will know yourself.

Your marriage might improve too since you are not asking your  partner do something you  have to do yourself.

But yes, I can help. Try it…you’ll like it!

Join me at Self-knowledge College.

P.S. The study was conducted at Northwestern University in Chicago where I received an M.A.
(No connection, really, I just thought it was interesting!)
P.P. S.IF YOU Are not a subscriber, you can begin by getting my Ebook
FOUR QUESTIONS TO CHANGE YOUR LIFE!
It’s FREE here and will be on Amazon soon for around $3.
You can also get a FREE consultation with me on any problem that might be driving you nuts.
If you have a problem with time management, personal goals, choosing a career path, the inability to choose a life partner (maybe you consistently date the wrong people) or any other troublesome area, you can help solve it with self-knowledge and I can teach you how to do that.
For a 20 minute–FREE— introduction, please email me: daleyfrank0@gmail.com or call me: 647-205-5059
I’ll be with you.
-Frank
Previous posts:

Up next:

Part 17: Self confidence & insecurity in dating

 

Frank Daley
daleyfrank0@gmail.com
647-205-5059
356 Westridge Drive , Waterloo, Ontario, Canada

Do What You Love but first know who you are

by

thinking-about-purposeDo what you love.

But first- know who you are.

This is Part 15 in a series of articles about the “self”.

I hope you’ve asked  yourself,

“Who am I and what am I doing here?”

  • in this job.
  • in this country
  • in this relationship
  • in this educational program

This is the beginning of self-knowledge.

Finding out who you are and what you want is not easy.

It is, however, exactly what we focus on here at THE DALEY POST and  SELF-KNOWLEDGE COLLEGE

Whether you have established a connection between yourself and a “higher purpose” or meaningful life, you have doubtless thought about it.

Here are 16 quotations to help you explore the idea of living with greater purpose and passion. They are from Joe Wilner’s site Your Best Self.

1. “Musicians must make music, artists must paint, poets must write if they are to ultimately be at peace with themselves. What human beings can be, they must be.” – Abraham Maslow

The admonition to “Be yourself” is useless advice unless you know   yourself.

2. “Where there is no vision, the people perish.” – Proverbs 29:18

No vision means no goals. No goals means you don’t know what you are good at and what you would love to do. That means no self-knowledge.

3. “This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night of the day, thou canst not be false to any man.” – William Shakespeare

What do you want? What should you do? True to yourself? How can you do that when you don’t know yourself. Find out at Self-Knowledge College

 4. “Never let the odds keep you from pursuing what you know in your heart you were mean to do.” – Satchel Paige

Why are you here on earth? Do do what you love. But first you have to find that out and to do that you must know yourself.

5. “The two most important days in life are the day you born and the day you discover the reason why.” – Mark Twain

The next most important day is today–when you finally decide to figure out who you are and what you want.

READ MORE

If you want to know more about yourself and what you are doing (or “supposed” to be doing, or think you should be doing here while you are on earth) consider  joining me at Self-Knowledge College.
I can help you figure this out in six -twelve weeks. (Your choice.)
Not kidding.
IF YOU Are not a subscriber, you can begin by getting my eBook
FOUR QUESTIONS TO CHANGE YOUR LIFE!
It’s FREE here and will be on Amazon soon for around $3.
You can also get a FREE consultation with me on any problem that might be driving you nuts.
If you have a problem with time management, personal goals, choosing a career path, the inability to choose a life partner (maybe you consistently date the wrong people) or any other troublesome area, you can help solve it with self-knowledge and I can teach you how to do that.
For a 20 minute–FREE— introduction, please email me: daleyfrank0@gmail.com or call me: 647-205-5059
I’ll be with you.
No, obligation, we’ll just talk.
-Frank
Previous posts:

Part 1: Do you find yourself or create it? And why bother anyway? 

Part 2: Searching for yourself? Flying blind? Need a new search party?

Part 3: Be yourself. Everybody else is taken!

Part 4: Self discovery without viagra.

Part 5: Selfish vs Selfless (in women)

Part 6: Selfish. Always wrong?

Part 7: Selfishness, in the family.

Part 8: Singer Sarah Slean knows who she is

Part 9: Whatever you do, don’t be yourself!

Part 10: Self sinks soon. Save yourself!

Part 11: Be yourself, problem-solving

Part 12: Self-regard. Do you ever feel worthless? 

Part 13: Be more successful. Know yourself

Part 14: Do self-help books work?

Part 15: Do what you love, but know yourself first

Up next:

 

Frank Daley
daleyfrank0@gmail.com
647-205-5059
356 Westridge Drive , Waterloo, Ontario, Canada

Do self-help books help?

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DO SELF-HELP BOOKS HELP? 

This is Part 14 in a series of articles about the “self.”

Or are these books a scam to fool people? WAY

It’s a multi-billion dollar business and the sales are increasing.

ANSWERS TO SOME PROBLEMS?

We look to self-help books for answers to our problems.

Thousands of titles exist on a broad range of topics. Weight loss, diet, personal relationships, dating, loss, grief and finding love are some of the big topics.

IT’S AN OLD GENRE!

Self-help advice dates back to the writings of the ancient Greeks.

Around 600 B.C., the first of the Greek sages, Thales of Miletus, made the observation that the most difficult thing in the world was “To Know Thyself.”

Difficult, yes; a life-long project yes; but rewarding, exhilarating and fun!

Also, about the most important thing you can do as a human.

The British newspaper, The Guardian, credits the emergence of self-help literature 155 years ago to Scottish author Samuel Smiles, who sold 20,000 copies of his self-help book in 1859.

Do you remember hearing of the phrase,”Day by day, in every way, I’m getting better and better?”

The idea was you were supposed to repeat this to yourself 20 times a day or more.

That was coined by the French psychologist, Émile Coué in 1920.

Optimistic auto-suggestions they were called and they have morphed (but not much) into affirmations today and some people live by them.

This concept lot positive thinking has increased into an aspect of positive psychology and is a common theme of self-help authors.

 I AM A SELF-HELP AUTHOR

I am such an author, by default, and although I’m not big on endless affirmations, I do know that positive self-talk is a helluva lot superior to negative self-talk!

The Great Depression (1929-1941) was a time of economic and social crisis.

It was in those dark times that Norman Vincent Peale brought his “power of positive thinking” to the public, initially through his radio broadcasts during the depression of 1929-1941.

Dale Carnegie introduced his book and seminars. “How to Win Friends and Influence People.” in 1936.

I saw a TV interview tithe self-help author and a critic who pooh-poohed the whole genre and suggested authors were basically fooling people.

The man being interviewed was one of the authors of  the Chicken Soup for the Soul series, Mark Victor Hansen.

His reply was accurate I believe.

He said that if a person  bought a $30 book and they got even one little thing that improved their lives out of it, then the book and the purchase was worth it.

That makes sense to me.

MY BOOK

My own book is called: Who Are You and What Are You Doing Here? The way to know yourself and get what you want.  

It will be available here soon as well as its companion workbook (one for the general reader and one for at-risk students.) 

It will also be available on Amazon. No price or date yet.

For now, you can get a core chapter of the book as a gift.

It’s an ebook called: FOUR QUESTIONS TO CHANGE YOUR LIFE! 4Qs red black good FraNKDALEY_KINDLE webforms

It’s FREE on this site just for registering (also free) with us at Self-knowledge College.

It will be on Amazon soon for around $3.
You can also get a free consultation with me on any problem that might be driving you nuts.
If you have a problem with time management, personal goals, choosing a career path, the inability to choose a life partner (maybe you consistently date the wrong people) or any other troublesome area, you can help solve it with self-knowledge and I can teach you how to do that.
For a 20 minute–FREE— introduction, please email me: daleyfrank0@gmail.com or call me: 647-205-5059
I’ll be with you.
-Frank
Previous posts:

Next up:

 

Frank Daley
daleyfrank0@gmail.com
647-205-5059
356 Westridge Drive , Waterloo, Ontario, Canada

Be more successful. Know yourself.

by

Be more successful. Know Yourself.

(More successful on your own terms, not Donald Trump’s.)

8dd819fcc20d4ac19ee41cad2b1f839c

Painting by Barbara Muir

Do  you feel sometimes as though you might be losing your “self.”

And that it is hurting  your changes for success? (Never mind your self-confidence and general stability?)

(This is Part 13 in a series of articles about the “self.” For more, see the links below)

Can your sense of self wither?

Unfortunately, it can. But it can also be bolstered.

CAN YOU BE MORE SUCCESSFUL?

1. Do you feel  you should be more successful?
2. Do you constantly choose the wrong partner?
3. Are you afraid of losing your job, or have you?
4. Do you want to change jobs but don’t know what job?
5. Are others at work being more “successful”–getting promotions, more money, more responsibility, more opportunities?
6. Do you feel like you are running out of time to change your life?

If you answered “yes” to one of those questions, you’re in the right place.

Here we speak and write about The Self and if it is damaged or  never got a chance to be strong, that can be devastating because it affects everything we think and do.

If you answered yes to more than one of those questions, pull up a chair, get a drink and settle in because this is the right place for you!

You can turn the “yes” answers for those questions into “No” answers when you know yourself better.

MAKE BETTER DECISIONS ABOUT YOU

When you really know yourself you will be able to make far better decisions about what you want, and what you are willing to do to get it.

  • You will make job or career choices that suit your talents, gifts and abilities.
  • You will make the correct choice about what college program you shouldchoose (or choose not to go. Not everybody should and so wha!?)
  • You will finally get a grip on what kind of person you should be dating.You’ll know (finally) how to recognize the right person to spend your life with. If that has been a problem, won’t that  be good?

SELF-KNOWLEDGE

I’ll teach you how to do all this through self-knowledge. The material here is a combination of philosophy, positive  psychology, self-help, street  smarts  and common sense.

It is only an introduction to self-knowledge, but it can change your life overnight.

It can be transformative and I can prove it.

People learn how to live life well from their families, at school, or through mentors but  many people have not had access to these great learning opportunities. If that is the case with you, we can change that now.

YOUR BACKGROUND

It doesn’t matter what your social background or educational level is. I can help you to improve your chances for success.

This material is not a secret but it might as well be if you don’t know about it.

Other people aren’t smarter than you are, they have just had more good fortune or better opportunities.

We can all access this information. LIFE IS CHAOTIC but it has some order and structure.

SOME LIFE RULES

There are some life rules that operate independent of our knowledge of them.

  • Whether we know the rules or not
  • like that there are rules or not
  • like the rules or not
  • follow them or not
  • it doesn’t matter.

These “rules” (think gravity) work relentlessly on.

We ignore them at our peril.

This site will teach you the basic rules of the game of life.

I find and use the best research on human development from all over the world so you dont have to.

But while you do have to play by some immutable life rules, you can also make rules to live by.

You don’t have to capitulate.

  • Know Yourself
  • Get what you want
  • Be More Successful!

I’ll help you do it.
IF YOU Are not a subscriber, you can begin by getting my Ebook
FOUR QUESTIONS TO CHANGE YOUR LIFE!
It’s FREE here and will be on Amazon soon for around $3.

You can also get a free consultation with me on any problem that might be driving you nuts.

If you have a problem with time management, personal goals, choosing a career path, the inability to choose a life partner (maybe you consistently date the wrong people) or any other troublesome area, you can help solve it with self-knowledge and I can teach you how to do that.

For a 20 minute–FREE— introduction, please email me: daleyfrank0@gmail.com or call me: 647-205-5059

I’ll be with you.

-Frank

P.S. I’m preparing something that will transform your life.

Watch for information on how to participate.

In the meantime, if this interests you, please email  me: daleyfrank0@gmail.com

There’s no obligation whatsoever.
Previous posts:

Self-regard. Do you ever feel worthless?

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man-hands-front-face-bigst

no self-worth?

Do you ever feel worthless? Do you lack self-regard?

This is Part 12 in a series of articles about the “self.” (For links to other posts, see below.)

I feel stupid when I try to grasp technology fast but never worthless.

A feeling or permanent or even periodical worthlessness is engendered early in life by poor “caregivers” whether parents, guardians or teachers.

Criticism by people you feel are knowledgeable and trustworthy does it.

Journalist Anneli Rufus struggled with self-loathing for over 40 years. “I hated myself unreservedly, as if it was required,” she writes in her latest book Unworthy: How to Stop Hating Yourself.

This is reported on and analyzed by Margarita Tartakovsky, associate editor of PsychCentral

“Why? Was I a murderer? A thief? Had I committed genocide or bombed the Prado? Was I mean? Did I have seven swollen, scaly heads? Whose children had I thrown down wells? Which city did I plunder? Had I put soap in a swimming pool or slaughtered fawns?”

“No. Rufus’s self-hatred stemmed from seeing her mom treat herself with contempt. Though “meaning no harm,” Rufus’s mom taught her daughter to believe there was something inherently wrong with her. Rufus yearned to be anyone but herself.

“Maybe you, too, have yearned to be someone else. Maybe you, too, have spoken vicious words to yourself. Maybe you, too, have avoided looking at your reflection.”

NOT TREATING YOURSELF WELL.

When you have a shaky self-worth, the last thing you want to do is treat yourself well.

“When we do not see worth in something, we often treat it poorly. Self-worth is the same way,” according to Brooke Lewis, a registered clinical counselor who specializes in self-harm, eating disorders and addictions in British Columbia. You truly believe you aren’t “worth caring for.”

This shows up in self-hatred, self-destructive behavior,  and self-loathing.

  NO SELF-ESTEEM, NO SELF-CONFIDENCE, NO SELF-WORTH 

 YOU DO NOT LOVE YOURSELF

It also means you do not, cannot love yourself and this will doom you to a loveless life, (usually) an unproductive life,  and a hard life.

I can help.

These feelings can be reversed.

IF YOU Are not a subscriber, you can begin by getting my Ebook

FOUR QUESTIONS TO CHANGE YOUR LIFE!
It’s free here and will be on Amazon soon for around $3.
You can also get a free consultation with me on any problem that might be driving you nuts.
If you have a problem with time management, personal goals, choosing a career path, the inability to choose a life partner (maybe you consistently date the wrong people) or any other troublesome area, you can help solve it with self-knowledge and I can teach you how to do that.
For a 20 minute– free– introduction, please email me: daleyfrank0@gmail.com or call me: 647-205-5059
I’ll be with you.
-Frank

Just email me: daleyfrank0@gmail.com for a FREE strategy session

or call me 647-205-5059

No charge and no obligation.

Let’s just talk briefly.

-Frank

Here’s more of Margarita Tartakovsky’s piece HERE

Previous posts: 

Problem-solving and the Self

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couples-com

Know yourself and solve problems better.

This is Part 11 in a series of articles about the “self.”

We all run into problems with others and the answer often is, “Talk it out.”

Good advice, but it ain’t easy.

Before you can get to problem-solving BETWEEN YOU AND SOMEONE ELSE you have to listen with compassion and understanding.

Athena Staik, writing on Psych Central offers 5 prerequisites for getting into the problem-solving phase with your mate but the piece can be used for friends or coworkers too.

“The biggest obstacles in couple communications…often have to do with unlocking the heart and imagination of each partner to want to hear or listen to what the other says.” she says.

She writes of “healing yourself” of whatever is preventing you from seeing the other person’s point of view.

That’s for extreme situations; for most of us, the conditions don’t require healing!

It’s another way of saying, “know yourself” so you realize when you are contributing to the lack of communication that sometimes is the cause of the inability to solve a problem or even to address it properly between people.

Before you can solve a problem, you have to identify it.

Here’s a short take on how to do that. 

What’s Your Problem?: Having Trouble Identifying it? REFRAME IT AND SOLVE IT

Read Athena Staik’s piece HERE 
When you know yourself better you can solve problems better.
More easily, faster and without (as much!) stress.
If  you are enjoying  these articles on the Self and IF YOU are not a subscriber, you can begin by getting my ebook: FOUR QUESTIONS TO CHANGE YOUR LIFE!
It’s FREE here and will be on Amazon soon for around $3.
You can also get a FREE consultation with me on any problem that might be driving you nuts.
If you have a problem with time management, personal goals, choosing a career path, the inability to choose a life partner (maybe you consistently date the wrong people) or any other troublesome area, you can help solve it with self-knowledge and I can teach you how to do that.
For a 20 minute–FREE— introduction, please email me: daleyfrank0@gmail.com or call me: 905-584-0617
I’ll be with you.
-Frank
Previous posts:

Part 1: Do you find yourself or create it? And why bother anyway? 

Part 2: Searching for yourself? Flying blind? Need a new search party?

Part 3: Be yourself. Everybody else is taken!

Part 4: Self discovery without viagra.

Part 5: Selfish vs Selfless (in women)

Part 6: Selfish. Always wrong?

Part 7: Selfishness, in the family.

Part 8: Singer Sarah Slean knows who she is

Part 9: Whatever you do, don’t be yourself!

Part 10: Self sinks soon. Save yourself!

Up next:

Part 12: Self-regard. Do you ever feel worthless? 

 

Frank Daley
daleyfrank0@gmail.com
647-205-5059
356 Westridge Drive , Waterloo, Ontario, Canada

SELF SINKS SOON! SAVE YOURSELF!

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SELF SINKS SOON! SAVE YOURSELF! YOU HAVE POTENCY,

SO ACT!

This is Part 10 in a series of articles about the “self.”

YOU HAVE POTENCY. ARE YOU GOING TO ACT?

Do you remember in the “olden days” of the internet when someone messaged you, the computer “Dinged” and said cheerfully, “You’ve got MAIL!!”?
Well, you’ve got POTENCY! Won’t do you any good unless you ACT on it.
Every child has the potential to become the best parts of herself that exist in her essential nature.
More philosophy, here folks, but don’t panic!
Let us just briefly look at the implications of POTENCY and ACT in everyday terms and situations. 
The terms “potency” and “act” come originally from Aristotle and were advanced by St Thomas Aquinas. 

ARISTOTLE

The discussion on the subject continues to this day because it is an essential of life. It’s too damn important to lie in some dusty philosophy book.

All a child’s inherent, gifts, talents and attributes have the potential, the potency, the possibility, of reaching their full flowering. This rarely happens in real life.
The luckiest of us manage to achieve SOME of our potential.
Usually, that happens only if we have good childhoods. That means good parenting, which obviously means good parents.
And THAT means having parents who are not children themselves–not in the sense of their ages but in their growth and development.
We all know people who are terrible parents. They should never have had children. They act like children themselves.
Those kinds of parents are not mature “grown-ups.” They are not capable of being good parents. You CAN achieve a lot in life without good parenting but it ain’t easy!

OTHER THINGS CONSPIRE AGAINST US TOO!

We use only a fraction of our brainpower. We lose concentration and focus. We get distracted. We get tired.
We make poor choices often and diminish or quash what might have made us better. One way or another we fail to find our true selves and reach our potential. Whether we are successful or not depends upon a host of factors that we can get into later.
However, one of the reasons we don’t achieve greatness is because even if we discover our unique gifts, we don’t ACT on them.
Next, we’ll look at WHY many of us don’t reach our full potential–or anything near it. Why we don’t discover our natural gifts, talents and abilities.
You don’t have to succumb to this nonsense.
I don’t care what your education is.

THOMAS AQUINAS

I don’t care what your work is.
I don’t care how old you are.
If you act on your potency, you can thrive.
Find your talents. Don’t let them wither.
ACT!
Search for your self.
I’ll be with you. Email me : frankdaley@rogers.com
In a hurry!?  Call: 905-584-0617–iu
It’s free (well, you have to pay the telephone charges from Mayas or wherever! But the discussion is free!)
-Frank
Previous Posts:

Part 1: Do you find yourself or create it? And why bother anyway? 

Part 2: Searching for yourself? Flying blind? Need a new search party?

Part 3: Be yourself. Everybody else is taken!

Part 4: Self discovery without viagra.

Part 5: Selfish vs Selfless (in women)

Part 6: Selfish. Always wrong?

Part 7: Selfishness, in the family.

Part 8: Singer Sarah Slean knows who she is

Part 9: Whatever you do, don’t be yourself!

Up Next:

Part 11: Be yourself, problem-solving

 

Frank Daley
daleyfrank0@gmail.com
647-205-5059
356 Westridge Drive , Waterloo, Ontario, Canada

Whatever you do, don’t be yourself!

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Don’t be yourself, whatever you do. 

This is Part 9 in a series of articles about the “Self.”

Some years ago, I saw a funny New Yorker cartoon. A middle aged-couple is standing in front of the door to a house. They have arrived at a friend’s house for dinner. He is about to knock and the wife says to her husband,

“Whatever you do, please don’t be yourself tonight.”

OOOPS!

Well, she knows him, I guess, as married people do.

Maybe he knows himself too but it isn’t likely.

DO YOU KNOW YOURSELF?

When we  know ourselves better, we find out things we don’t always like. 

That’s OK, none of us is perfect. (And the couple in the cartoon is still married!) 

Mostly, however, we learn things that we do like. We also discover things that we suspected about ourselves but never verified.

That’s why so many people take up new things in mid-life (art, music, or leaving a corporate job to start a small business).

We wonder how it is that we didn’t know those things about ourselves when we were younger. After all, we all know many things about ourselves.

You know, for example, what kind of food you prefer, what kind of books, movies, plays or games you like. You’ve known for decades if you are a morning person or a night owl. That stuff is easy. You learned that by repetition, habit, and observation.

But there’s lots we don’t know.

How could we have missed truly important things about ourselves that perhaps our spouse or mate knows, or our family or friends know, but we do not? 

We didn’t pay enough attention to them when we were younger, perhaps. Or, we kind of remember that we were interested in certain things but we dismissed them as not important. Or, we didn’t even know about them so that we could pay attention to them.

Maybe nobody recognized some of our talents and gifts when we were children so they were never developed. Life is complicated. You probably have talents never recognized  let alone nurtured.

DISSATISFIED?

If you are feeling dissatisfied with important areas of your life such as work, or personal or family relationships or even your most significant partner relationship,  then it’s time to figure out what the hell is going wrong. Part of the reason you are in the wrong place or the wrong job or with the wrong person is because you don’t know the real You yet. Not well enough anyway.

It’s time to find out. I’m designing a course to help you do it.

In the meantime, I’m publishing a this series  It will be based on my book  

WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? The way to know yourself and get what you want.

You will be able to get that book here soon.

You can come at your Self many ways. How you use time and why you procrastinate are intimately connected with your Self. 

I used to think procrastination was a function of time faulty time management. Not exactly. 

It’s true that time management is connected to procrastination but on a deeper level it is about the self. If you know yourself well you can easily reduce procrastination and all its horrible consequences.

Time, procrastination, the Self, goals, values…these things are all cemented together. They are like layers of paint; it’s difficult to separate them but it can be be done.

We’ll give it our best shot. Let me know if either time or procrastination is a problem for you.

For more information about yourself, sign up for my free page eBook, 

FOUR QUESTIONS TO CHANGE YOUR LIFE!

You get it FREE here for subscribing and it will be available soon on Amazon for a small fee.  

FREE STRATEGY SESSION ABOUT YOU.

You can also get a free consultation with me now on any problem that might be driving you nuts.
If you have a problem with time management, personal goals, choosing a career path, the inability to choose a life partner (maybe you consistently date the wrong people) or any other troublesome area, you can help solve it with self-knowledge and I can teach you how to do that.
For a 20 minute–FREE— introduction, please email me: frankdaley@ rogers.com or call me: 905-584-0617
I’ll be with you.
-Frank

Previous Posts:

Part 1: Do you find yourself or create it? And why bother anyway? 

Part 2: Searching for yourself? Flying blind? Need a new search party?

Part 3: Be yourself. Everybody else is taken!

Part 4: Self discovery without viagra.

Part 5: Selfish vs Selfless (in women)

Part 6: Selfish. Always wrong?

Part 7: Selfishness, in the family.

Part 8: Singer Sarah Slean knows who she is

Up next:

Part 10: Self sinks soon. Save yourself!

 

Frank Daley
daleyfrank0@gmail.com
647-205-5059
356 Westridge Drive , Waterloo, Ontario, Canada

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