SETTLING FOR THE WRONG LOVER?
(BOYFRIEND, GIRLFRIEND, HUSBAND, WIFE, LOVER?)
This is Part 20 in a series of article about the “self.”
(And it is the first in a short series on why people do it.)
Mike Bundrant, writing on Psych Central, has a piece that briefly covers four main reasons people settle in love.
I’ll take on each of these points in subsequent articles.
People do settle, he writes. “In one survey of 6,000 men, 31% of them openly admitted that they would settle for someone they didn’t love.
And 21% even claimed they’d partner up with someone they found unattractive.”
Most people who settle, won’t admit it.
Here are four reasons why people settle, according to experience and research.
1. Fear of being alone.
“Loneliness is a painful experience regardless of gender; and according to Professor Geoff MacDonald of the University of Toronto’s Department of Psychology, fear of being single does not discriminate on basis of gender.”
In other words, both men and women “settle” for someone as a life partner–or at least a temporary one.
2. They don’t know how to create solid relationships.
Most people don’t know how to create lasting basic friendships, let alone romantic ones.
To begin with, in “love” relationships, we engage in intimate behaviors before we are ready for them.
Things such as
- concentating on one person too early
- being too hasty with self-disclosure
- getting serious too quickly
- having sex too soon
- saying “I love you” for the wrong reasons (most often when people say this, the statement is flat-out wrong).
That has to do with insecurity and the fear of being alone (reason No 1) and, most dangerously, it betrays a crippling lack of self-knowledge.
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3. External pressures.
From your parents, friends, your church.
Many people don’t know how to deal with these pressures.
Nobody talks about self-sabotage.
It’s easier to blame fate, circumstances or timing.
That can happen in real life, but mostly it is not true.
We screw things up by not knowing ourselves well enough.
Read more of Mr. Bundrant’s piece here
ARE YOU IN THIS SPOT?
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