What’s the difference between complete and finished?

bigstock-Middle-aged-couple-outdoors-10657865

A vocabulary lesson:
The Difference between “complete” and “finished”

No dictionary has ever been able to satisfactorily define the difference between “complete” and “finished.” However, during a recent linguistic conference, held in London, England, and attended by some of the best linguists in the bigstock-Middle-aged-couple-outdoors-10657865world, Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese linguist, was the presenter when he was asked to make that very distinction.

The question put to him by a colleague in the erudite audience was this: “Some say there is no difference between ‘complete’ and ‘finished.’ Please explain the difference in a way that is easy to understand.”

Mr. Balgobin’s response: “When you marry the right woman, you are ‘complete.’ If you marry the wrong woman, you are ‘finished.’ And, if the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are “Completely finished.” His answer received a five-minute standing ovation.

If you are not complete (Ha!) come to me at Self-Knowledge College to find out who the rest of you is like.

If you are not finished with your self, come too!

-Frank

Contact Info:

frankdaley@rogers.com

(905) 584-0617

LOVE YOURSELF FIRST OR YOU CAN’T LOVE ANYONE ELSE

Oscar De la Renta. Photo: James Nord

 

OSCAR  DE LA RENTA.  Photo by JAMES NORD

OSCAR DE LA RENTA. Photo by JAMES NORD

LOVE YOURSELF FIRST

“I am always in love but love starts with yourself.”

-Oscar De La Renta

This is Part 21 in a series of article about the “self.”

You can’t love anybody else unless you love yourself first.

Young people (much like older people!) put great importance on love.

And why not? It is a crucial part of life.

But love is a complicated subject and most people get it wrong at first–some never get it right!

We get love confused with its imposters (a subject for another day) but the key to understanding love at all is to know what you will read here today.

Oscar De La Renta, the famous clothing designer, was interviewed in the Toronto Star by Jeanne Beker. The photo above is from his 2012 collection introduced in New York in November.

He was announcing a new perfume called “Live In Love” and said he had been astonished to learn that the name of the perfume he needed a name for had not been registered.

“It’s the way we all so strongly aspire to live life, to love in love–loving what surrounds you, loving your life, loving what you’ve made of your life, loving the moment…”

Becker said that we hear about so many people looking for love because we think finding the right person to love means we will be complete. Hmmm.

De La Renta replied,

Oscar De la Renta. Photo: James Nord

“I am always in love but first of all love starts with yourself. You cannot love someone unless you love yourself. Because love is about how you live your life. You cannot be madly in love with someone if you are unhappy with yourself.”

 

LOVE AND HAPPINESS

He related it to happiness and said,

“Happiness has nothing to do with wealth. It has to do with your spirit.  And you have to discover that spirit to discover happiness.”

He’s right, of course.

  • You certainly can’t be happy unless you love yourself.
  • You cannot love anyone else if you don’t love yourself.
  • You can’t give away what you don’t have.
    If you don’t love yourself you can’t give that love to someone else.

People think they can love someone else if they don’t love themselves.

In fact, they convince themselves that they are indeed loving persons because they “love” someone  (although not themselves).

They think that although they themselves are unlovable (in their own minds and hearts) other people ARE loveable and they can love them. (That’d be good, they think.) They feel they can connect in that way.

They can love others even if they can’t love themselves.

Not true.

What they have, or do, is not love, it is a bastardized connection based on inequality or yearning. It can’t be reciprocated unless the relationship is dysfunctional. Unfortunately, it is common.

Pity can come back to the person who lacks self-love. So can concern and a kind of mild affection but not real love, unless it is a love based on sympathy, and that’s not what is desired, is it?

And sometimes, what comes back to these people is discomfort, even disdain, because what they project is recognized by the intended love object, as false, or inadequate love or, simply, not real love but something else.

Sometimes, resentment can build in the loved one because the loved one does not feel real love but need  coming from the “unlovable” one. That need on the part of  the loveless, turns into a silent (or not so silent!) demand for a return of the love they are trying to complete with the loved one.

It is not pretty.

It gets worse.

One who does not love himself/herself cannot give real love but cannot receive love either.

Why?

Because the “unlovable” one does not believe anyone else could love him or her (they know the “truth”–that they are unlovable. They “know” this! You can’t convince them they are worth loving.)

And, “knowing ” this to be true,  then they suspect that any affection that comes to them is fraught with baggage. They think the people who say they love them are lying, mistaken, manipulative or stupid.

Otherwise they, too, would recognize that  the would-be lover is unlovable and reject them.

Complicated, yes.

But also simple.

You cannot love someone else if you do not love yourself.
And you cannot accept love from another if you do not love yourself.

To go even deeper, you cannot love what you do not know.
Therefore, you cannot love yourself unless you know yourself.

Everything is centered in Self-Knowledge.

There’s more to this than I’ve written here.

When you began to know yourself, you’ll discover how great you are! And then– and then– you will start to love yourself, if you don’t already.

If you already do love yourself, terrific, then you’ll  learn more about you, always a good thing.

Keep you out of trouble.

If  you are a member here, good!

If you are not and would like to be, register here for a lot of free information about YOU!

Frank

 

Previous Posts:

 
Up next: The Self, Part 22: Writing helps

Settling for the wrong lover? Many people do.

settleforbadrelationship

SETTLING FOR THE WRONG LOVER?

settling bad relationship

(BOYFRIEND, GIRLFRIEND, HUSBAND, WIFE, LOVER?)

This is Part 20 in a series of article about the “self.”

(And it is the first in a short series on why people do it.)

Mike Bundrant, writing on Psych Central, has a piece that briefly covers four main reasons people settle in love.

I’ll take on each of these points in subsequent articles.

People do settle, he writes. “In one survey of 6,000 men, 31% of them openly admitted that they would settle for someone they didn’t love.

And 21% even claimed they’d partner up with someone they found unattractive.”

Most people who settle, won’t admit it.

Here are four reasons why people settle, according to experience and research.

1. Fear of being alone.

“Loneliness is a painful experience regardless of gender; and according to Professor Geoff MacDonald of the University of Toronto’s Department of Psychology, fear of being single does not discriminate on basis of gender.”

In other words, both men and women “settle” for someone as a life partner–or at least a temporary one.

Do you?

2. They don’t know how to create solid relationships.

Most people don’t know how to create lasting basic friendships, let alone romantic ones.

To begin with, in “love” relationships, we engage in intimate behaviors before we are ready for them.

Things such as

  • concentating on one person too early
  • being too hasty with self-disclosure
  • getting serious too quickly
  • having sex too soon
  • saying “I love you” for the wrong reasons (most often when people say this, the statement is flat-out wrong).

That has to do with insecurity and the fear of being alone (reason No 1) and, most dangerously, it betrays a crippling lack of self-knowledge.

I can help you with that FAST. See below.

3. External pressures.

From your parents, friends, your church.

Many people don’t know how to deal with these pressures.

4. Self-sabotage.

Nobody talks about self-sabotage.

It’s easier to blame fate, circumstances or timing.

That can happen in real life, but mostly it is not true.

We screw things up  by not knowing ourselves well enough.

Read more of Mr. Bundrant’s piece here

ARE YOU IN THIS SPOT?

IF you are choosing the wrong people to date or marry

IF you are making wrong choices with regard to a life partner

IF you don’t know why you do this

IF you are frustrated at what seems to be a vicious cycle

THEN sign up here for advance information on my new course:

HOW TO STOP DATING LOSERS AND FIND A GOOD MAN (Or WOMAN)

A GOOD MAN IS HARD TO FIND BUT NOT IMPOSSIBLE.

Stop fretting.

I WILL be able to help you.

I can’t promise you the love of your life in six weeks.

BUT I CAN GUARANTEE that IF YOU DO AS I SUGGEST,

YOU WILL NEVER DATE AN INAPPROPRIATE PERSON AGAIN.

Learn more about this course, FREE.

You will be more confident about your dating choices.

You will be more relaxed about the process.

You will not worry about stupid little things (‘Why didn’t he call?”–that kind of high school level nonsense will stop).

Sign up for free advance information now!

If you are concerned about this, please email me at: frankdaley@rogers.com or call at 905-584-0617.

If you could do this all by yourself you would have done it by now.

Don’t wait, I can help.

-Frank

Previous posts:

Why Some Women Seek Affairs (Dating site report!)

Some women separate sex and marriage

womenaffairs-e1409799482761WHY SOME WOMEN SEEK AFFAIRS

We all “know” why men have affairs. Or at least we think we know.

But men have affairs with women–they don’t do it on their own.

(There’s another word for that!)

So why do women have affairs?

Mike Bundrant,  on Psych Central, reports a “study” that shows sex is another reason.

And why would that be a surprise?

Well, it isn’t necessarily, but  Mr.Bundrant found the study was commissioned by a dating site! That doesn’t invalidate the initial premise but it might invalidate this study

He writes:

 “This focus of the study mentioned in this post is women who were seeking affairs in a particular manner. So, that’s the starting point.

I do not believe this study has credibility outside the specific population of women whose patterns were analyzed.

At any rate, the new look at why women have affairs reveals a provocative scenario, and raises some big questions.

Traditionally viewed, the role that married women are assumed to take when engaging in extra-marital affairs is thought to be driven by the need for love, emotional intimacy and affection.

Conventional wisdom suggests that women stray outside their marriage because they are emotionally dissatisfied.

Challenging the widely held notion that women seek relationships outside of their marriage for emotional substance, a new study reveals that women seek passionate, physical extra-marital relationships not for love, but for sex.

Yes, just the sex, please. And hold the emotional attachments. (Now, if you were a man, you’d probably add a pizza and a six-pack to that request.)

Yes, men have been branded as strictly physical beings, separating sex from love and therefore seeking out new physical relationships to satisfy sexual urges. The new study indicates that women are just as capable of making a distinction between love and sex within relationships.”

READ MORE

I think some women DO have affairs for the sex and Do separate sex and marriage, just like some men. Women are people too, last time I checked.

There are other reasons that elicit sympathy for people involved.

This one, not so much!

Frank

 

Going to bed angry. What Might Happen.

Screen-Shot-2014-09-03-at-6.32.08-PM-225x147There’s an old saying: Never go to bed angry.”

A coda was “Because other person could die in the night.”

Chances are slim but they occur.

Well that happened to Hanna Engle’s sister and she and Jake Engle write about it on PsychCentral.

She talks about “reology”or the art of the Re-Do (or apology).

Before and After Death

“Now I divide my life into two phases, like BC and AD, only mine are BD and AD—Before (Sarah’s) Death and After (Sarah’s) Death. And, maybe, BR and AR, Before Reology and After Reology.

BEFORE—I went to bed at times, mad as hell—certain I was right and the other person was wrong. Probably more often, I was really mad at myself for handling myself poorly—for not being the adult in the room. But at the time I wasn’t conscious of that.

Getting mad could actually last for days
I would withdraw myself from the person I was mad at. Though my mother’s warning wasn’t buried too far under the riled up part of me, I had little desire to step toward the person I was mad at to redo myself—to reconnect.

Instead of ReSpeaking myself or apologizing, or simply stating what I needed, I was more comfortable with silently waiting for them to make the first move.

Then, one fatal night, only 4 days after we’d had a fight, my sister, Sarah, was killed. She was crossing the street and hit by a drunk driver. This was the first argument we’d ever had, so it felt like a big deal, and I perceived myself to be right, of course.

When I left her that day of the fight we were still mad at each other. I was thinking, “Oh well—we’ll work it out.”

We loved each other—so I knew we’d work it out, she says.

READ MORE

Sometimes we have to put aside our feelings of hurt and anger for a higher purpose. It’s hard when you think you are in the right.

We know we shouldn’t do get angry so often but we don’t always do what we know what to do.

Part of knowing ourselves is to govern ourselves when we know what to do.

To get past this stuff.

It ain’t easy.

Frank